A Writer’s Journey to Self-Discovery & Self-Confidence

Embracing myself as an Influencer of Thought

The words that follow are uncomfortable. Not because I’ve never written them, but because I’ve never shared them.

Writing is something I’ve always loved. I enjoy gathering words together like wild flowers arranging them in sentences like beautiful bouquets. But more than loving the act of writing do I enjoy the process of persuading thought. I don’t write for the sole purpose of adding meaningless words to a page. Writing for me is purpose. It is the exposition of thought. It is the articulation of ideas. It is the process of persuasion, and my chosen weapon in this war of the mind.

My problem is that I struggle with insecurity, imposter syndrome, and perfectionism. Seated down at the core of my being rests the belief that my words don’t matter, that my writing has no place, and most potently, that my writing, my word bouquets, aren’t good enough to be read. I labor over lines arguing with myself about whether or not a piece is worthy. I pace within my apartment over the structure of sentences. I wrestle with how and when to publish.

To make matters worse, I’m constantly thinking that people are sick of hearing what I have to say about anything. Desiring not to make people sick of my voice, tired of my ideas, I often sit on words. Words that have meaning and significance, value and power, I sit on never allowing them to see the light of day because of fear, insecurity, the need for perfection, and the self-told-belief that the world needs a break from Claudia.

During these breaks what usually happens is I watch shows, listen to music, connect with friends, and busy myself with my ministry and work responsibilities, letting my passion for writing sit in time out. This break only lasts so long for soon enough words fill up inside me sparked by a flint in society quickly bursting into flames inside my bones. At that point the page soon becomes the water quenching the message in my soul.

As I reflect, I’ve realized this is so problematic. Not for any arrogant notion that the world needs my thoughts. But instead for the personal notion that I am restricting my very being to protect an unseen audience from being tired of a writer they’ve yet to truly hear from. In a profound and priceless conversation with a friend and coach last week, I’ve realized that at the core of my being I have been designed to persuade the thinking of humanity. The work of pillaging through existential dilemmas wrestling with the words that can help make sense of and guide us all through life’s most difficult social ills, is a work I was created for. To not write is not to just not share, but it is in fact to not function as created.

Many are doers in our society. They are the tactile engineers and machines that execute all functions ensuring the completion and progress of our society. They mobilize. Execute. Put hand to plow and till the soil of the fields in our world. Without their contributions our world would rest at a standstill. What hurts is when doers discount the power and validity of writers. They espouse the notion that words and speech are merely perfunctory elements of society holding no power to produce anything tangible in the Earth. This logic reinforces my own self-doubt that the work I do is truly insignificant, unwarranted, and unworthy of being classified as a major contribution to society.

This is not true. In fact, words create the very worlds in which we exist. They order our coming and going, define our systems and structures, and create modes of being for the benefit or detriment of the world as we know it. This fact encourages and reminds me that who I am and what God has designed me to do is a critical and important work. A God who I believe spoke a world into existence by the words of Their speech, created me to shape the world with my speech. Gifting me Their power of a language that constructs, my purpose must not be hindered by the opinions of others or even my own negative self-talk.

Today, I accept the challenge of my friend and coach to embrace myself fully. And to walk in the truth and purpose of being an influencer of thought.

May my journey toward self-discovery and self-confidence encourage you to never limit your potential or production based on the opinions of others, or even the negative self-talk in your own head.